Five year flashback pt.1
FIVE YEAR FLASHBACK…
I found this blog post the other day. I wrote it almost FIVE years ago in 2017. I guess it was the day after Mother’s Day. They kids were just five and six years old in this picture. I forget how young they were when we split. So much for their little hearts and minds to handle.
I’m sharing this blog post because I started to write an updated response to it-kinda like a follow up to how I felt then and how I feel now. As I reread it I realized this is absolutely one of my ABOUT FACE stories. I had to stop, turn around and face reality. The split was one thing. Redesigning life.. SCARY AF.
MAY 2017
The DAMD (DAY AFTER MOTHERS DAY)...
Mother's day is a tricky one for me especially because well...my mom is still dead (lol but not so much) and I’m technically a single mom (lol but not so much… again).
I miss my mom every minute of every day. I wish to see her smile, hear her laugh and I desperately wish my children could feel the "perfect hug" from her. When she gave a hug she would swallow you whole in the best way. She smelled soooo good. She would laugh so hard that her shoulders would shake but she made NO NOISE lol...hilarious to see.
I struggle with the decisions I have made this year as a mom. Choosing to split up with their father was not an easy one. When people refer to getting divorced as “taking the easy way out” I would like to punch them in the throat. No part of this has been easy so ummm yeah…EFF you very much!
I question the decision everyday. I see my children thriving, but I also see them struggling to understand that if the four of us spend so much time together then why can't we all just live in the same house? I don't have the answer. What I do know is not for them to know yet. And I know that living in one house is not the solution. I want to show them that you can still love each other even when a relationship changes. That a family can still love each other from two houses. I mean it can…right? I think so. I hope so.
So everyday for the past year I have wrestled with knowing that my inner peace comes with a great price...not putting my babies to bed every night. I can barely write it let alone say it or admit it. That will never feel ok. It's not something I will ever get used to. It goes against every fiber of my mother fabric. And yet I still made the decision. We have two houses and a few nights a week I walk by their empty bedroom and fall to my knees.
I do, however, focus on a hope that this will help them have an understanding of life and pain and that out of pain can come growth and acceptance and love. I'm still working on that part too. I hope that this allows them to create their own life picture. One that makes sense for them and one that is authentic, unapologetic and real. I hope that they will one day recognize that their mom made lots of decisions. Some were right and some should have been given more time, but that every single one of them was made with their best interest at heart. Every brutal time.
So here’s to all of us Moms who do easy, fun, hard, gut wrenching, ridiculous, impossible, amazing, inspiring, dangerous, careless, selfless, and messy things all for the sake of the children we would take a hundred bullets for...and here’s to knowing that it will never feel like enough.