Five years later pt.2

I’m sure there is some kind of thread I should be following when I write this blog. Ya know like a theme in each blog that relates to the one before. Writers call them a “through line”-- Something that will help readers get to know me and what I am about. Truth is I’m all over the place and so (fair warning) that is how this blog will read. Simply put, I write what I am feeling. Some days I write about my insane and amazing children, sometimes I am on a rant about healthcare access. Yesterday I wrote about wishing there was a small sugar cube like “food square” flavored with your favorite meal. You could eat it, feel full and not gain a single ounce. There are times I am particularly inspired to write about female business ownership and how unpopular it was to start a home based business when I did. I am not quite brave enough to write about my identity and coming out at 40 yrs old. Working on it. To my surprise however, I am finding myself in a different place with my divorce. That's what I’m gonna freestyle about today.

In the beginning...lol...that sounds way too religious...let me try again…

When we first split I was hell bent on preserving everything we had built as a family. We would still have dinners together, still have all the same friends, go to events together, be close friends with whomever the other person was dating, and change literally nothing. We would be the most blended BADASS accepting and loving family in this entire Bay Area. If there was an award, I wanted it. I was laser focused on making sure that anyone within six feet of me knew that he and I still loved one another and that the kids were loved and safe too. I made it my mission to reiterate that no one did anything wrong and so no sides needed to be chosen. I spent the first few years narrating our split. Justifying our life and proving that we're all okay. I had the individual therapy, couples therapy and family art therapy bills to prove it. Yes indeed...we were all fine. Everything was fine. Ok..so that is that.

And it was fine, except I was exhausted.  It was fine because I forced the fine.There was no one to blame for my exhaustion but myself and the race I was running against guilt, shame and a cloud of judgement I had imagined was right behind me. First and foremost, both sides of our family fully supported us. They hated it. They accepted it. They wanted us together but they also trusted that we would still be a family. The confidence they had in our new family vision gave us the wings to start to try and fly with it. My parents, his parents, our siblings and the friends we call our chosen family were right there for us. Without question. Super blessed. Forever grateful.

I'm sure some people talked their shit. I have no doubt there might have been a few quiet conversations in the school yard or at work but honestly...we were met with mostly love, support, curiosity and acceptance. Most of the fear was self imposed and no one can go off in a shame and guilt spiral quite like me..no really...it’s like my unfortunate ZONE OF GENIUS. I will shame and guilt spiral with hurricane force winds. 

Truth is I am very proud of how we handled our split. Yes, I do wish I had slowed down and let things naturally evolve but if you know me then you know I go 100 mph at all times...slowing down really isn't my thing. I also realize now that slowing down felt like it would have been too painful. I could only allow myself to swallow small doses of our new reality. I almost felt like if I felt it all I would have had some kind of identity split.It was that jarring. It was that terrifying. I didn’t know what to do or where to look first. I had no idea how to face it all. 

Naturally the kids were our priority. We were totally aligned there. 

Alongside that I had a wide array of kick me in the gut things to confront….

I was going to be divorced. No one in my family was divorced.

The life I purposely and beautifully built was over as I knew it. 

I had to come to terms with the fact that I had a revelation about the most private aspect of who I am. Sadness about mourning that part of me who was unknowingly suppressed and also sadness about the self I was leaving behind. And good gawd the constant questions in my brain...What does this mean? Am I gay? Do I say that word? Is that the box I check now? Are there other gays in Redwood City?? I don’t think so... I will be the only one and everyone will know. Everyone will think I was hiding it all this time and I will humiliate myself, my husband and my children. 

We had just survived his gut wrenching battle with cancer and now we are splitting. I felt like the worst human, mother and woman on the planet. The guilt and heartbreaking sadness took me to dark dark places. Someday I would like to write about that too...but not yet. All in time. I realize if you write about something before you are ready and you put it out there you can't take it back. I have learned my lesson. 

So back to the dark places...It seems if you just keep waking up and doing your best, small cracks of light will show through. And they did. And we all held on tight to one other during the spit and those family bonds proved unbreakable. I will talk in another post about my partner and how she glued me back together...but right now I want to honor my ex-husband who helped keep me from shattering into a million pieces as best he could. Things were hard, sad, ugly, chaotic, confusing and loving.  Through all of that, he never EVER made my discovery about him. He never ever blamed our split on my coming out (still hard to say the words :coming out”).  He never asked if I knew. He never accused me of lying to him. He never made me feel like I embarrassed him. In fact he was the first to say “Let them talk...I’ll walk in the room right next to you and your partner, I won’t let them say shit”. I have so much more I want to say about him but our story is also his and so I want to respect his perspective and his privacy. I spoke for him alot in our marriage and it was not always fair. I’d like to honor his experience by letting him tell it or at least give me permission to share the parts he feels comfortable with.

Five years later we have a strong co-parenting relationship. We have an even stronger friendship. I am working on honoring all that we created and survived together. The experiences are matching scars that I believe we wear with pride. 

And then there are the kids. The most important beings in our world. They are our priority and always have been. We are just like all of you...we try the best we can and then we try even harder. We mess up...and we admit it. We talk until the kids ask us to stop with all the “feelings” lol. These children of ours are our teachers. The two of them are resilient and brave while remaining open and vulnerable. They are beyond honest..ouch. And they are incredibly soulful and insightful. They are like mini detectives-we literally couldn't lie to them if we tried.

We are their mom and dad and I know I can speak for him when I say WE LOVE being their parents.

So what has changed from the rushing and the forcing of all things blended? 

AUTHENTICITY... Still a work in progress.

Breathing into what feels threatening, inhaling the fear and then exhaling it (I used to hold it in my stomach and let it live there) allows me to feel it and face it. More “ABOUT FACE” references...OMG!!! I do have a thread/theme..lol. Look at me all organized and shit!!! I’m such a wannabe writer!!! #AboutFace

Our family has grown in numbers as well. We are blessed to intersect and be harmonious not in spite of each other but because of each other. And that is badass in my book.

It is not lost on me that I have had great loves in my life. I cherish the love and friendship I have with their father. That will never change.

AND...

I truly cannot wait to formally introduce my beautiful partner and share our own unique love story. I respect and protect the love and life I am building with her.

She is both the deep breath and the exhale. 

Thanks for reading. I appreciate you. I hope you come back:)

#AboutFace

This picture was taken in 2019. 3 years after our split.